The Best Worst Steam Descriptions #3

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In this regular feature, we take a look at the best worst Steam game descriptions. Butchered translations, unwittingly funny sentences, low-effort proposals, candid usage of the space or a new way to express art? We cover them all, with our own snarky comments.

Swing the cat

Have you ever wondered if your room is too small to swing a cat? Disclaimer: We have no responsibility should the answer be ‘No’ and you hit your controller based cat off a wall, monitor, television or significant other. Swing your cat around, build up speed and let it go! How far will it go? No one knows.

It’s a little-known fact that cats do love to be swung by their tail. Following overwhelming scientific evidence collected in recent years, cat swinging is now a new discipline in the Olympics. The spectators are required to come in medieval armor and plates, and the contenders are sponsored by famous brands of prosthetic limbs.

DotX

DotX is a ‘mouse only’ game, where you will challenge your ability to control the mouse, as well as verify your emotional resistance. Pick up the dots and avoid bumping into the walls, as long as your health bar didn’t reach zero.

This game is used by cults such as The Church of Scientology in their recruitment centers. First level of faith is to control the mouse, second level of faith is to control the rat, third level of faith is to control the cat, then you will be recruited to play in the Church of Scientology cat swinging elite team. If your emotional resistance represented by your health bar is depleted by unexplainable bites and claws, you can write them a check to replenish it.

Hentai Tentacle Bicycle Race

Casual runner game about escaping tentacle as cute anime girl on bicycle. Random world generation. Collect coins and achieve new levels to unlock gallery.

There is nothing casual about running for your dear life while tentacles are trying to rob your virtue!

At least those precious coins should fund you while you join the Church of Scientology cat swinging team.

Oops!!! I Slept With Your Mom

Baby lost Mommy when Baby was too young to remember Mommy ‘s face. But Baby remembers how warm and cuddly sleeping in Mommy ‘s hug felt. Now, Baby has to sleep with all the mommies in order to find Mommy. It could be any mommy. It could be your mommy…

HANDS OFF MY MOMMY YOU CREEP!

Oh, actually we are talking about your mommy, not mine. I’m relieved.

This description is so wrong on so many levels that it’s borderline genius. We have previously seen the werewolf baby, now we have the incubus baby (male equivalent of the succubus). That thinly veiled threat leveled at the reader’s mother is pure evil.

Funny description, instantly grabbed our attention. Hats off.

Food Dream Factory

In order to in those years is sugar decayed tooth, respect you ~ go not hatred ✧ (≖ ◡ ≖ ✿ Life without sugar. What is the difference between that and salted fish ヾ (. ` Д ´.) ノ 彡 Two bags are not expensive. Life must be happy, two bags of rainbow acid? Do not worry about the road ahead without friends, Alps do

Peace, man. I respect you as well, no hate between us. That’s some serious acid you got. Rainbow acid, uh. Where can I get some? Oh, you are trying to sell me two bags? Sure, I will come right away to the Alps and meet you. All alone, I promise. No cops, no friends. Apparently, I don’t need to worry about the mountain roads, the Alps will do the worrying for me.

Then once I am up there, I will need to solve the riddle “What is the difference between life without sugar and salted fish?” ヾ (. ` Д ´.) ノ 彡

It’s really tough, man. I wonder. Both are dead, skinny and salty.

Oh, I got it! The difference is that salted fish SLEPT WITH YOUR MOMMY.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

And after the deed, that salted fish said that your mommy has a sugar decayed tooth, eeew!

Chill now. No hatred. ✧ (≖ ◡ ≖ ✿

Have you ever wondered if your room is too small to swing a cat?
2 votes · 2 answers

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