The Best Worst Steam Descriptions #1

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In this regular feature, we will have a look at the best worst Steam game descriptions. Butchered translations, unwittingly funny sentences, low-effort proposals, candid usage of the space or a new way to express art? We cover them all, with our own snarky comments.

Crazy Washing Machine

You are a Soviet Bear and you’ve decided laundry a Brick! For us, Humans it is obvious than this idea threatensthis and it’s better not to try do it. But how unhappy Bear will know it?

The first sentence is already amazing in and of itself. Why would a Soviet Bear decide to launder a brick? Do Soviet Bears wear bricks instead of briefs? Maybe they want to launder a brick wad of cash, is that what they call one thousand Russian rubles? Or was the Soviet Bear’s brick dirty from the blood of all the enemies it smashed? I am surprised at how strong Soviet Washers must be to survive such an ordeal.

Next, there is something apparently quite obvious to us humans: that “this idea threatensthis”. I totally agree, I don’t know anyone who would question such a cold, hard truth. And then “it’s better not to try do it” seems to mean that trying is not enough, you have to do it successfully.

Finally, we ask ourselves the question: how will Unhappy Bear know it? This sentence implies that Soviet Bear is married to Unhappy Bear, and we are left wondering how Unhappy Bear will learn about this brick laundering scheme.

The answer to this questions depends on whether Unhappy Bear is present at the premises in person or not. If Unhappy Bear is in the area, it will very likely hear the washing machine explode. Soviet Washers can’t be that sturdy to survive a brick, or I would be really impressed. If Unhappy Bear is not present, then I would suggest to Soviet Bear to call its partner and ask if he or she is free tonight. It has been a long time, they need something new to rekindle the romance, and a clean brick sounds like a perfect gift. Good luck, Soviet Bear! We’re rooting for you!

Terror

What happened with human, who stay in subway… on the all night?

All aboard the all-night train! Last stop: Dawn Station.

But, seriously, what happened with human? Did human drink too much vodka and forgot to leave? Is human being moved from station to station while remaining sound asleep? I think it’s time to call human’s mom and tell her that we don’t know what happened with human.

the Escape

You must escape from your home.Somebody invade into your house.you Find and Release the puzzle for the…

Wait, what? The what?

Oh, I got it! The description is already the first puzzle of the game! Very smart.

Let me try to arrange the words: “Find somebody and invade the puzzle into your house.” No, that can’t be right. If I can’t pass this tutorial puzzle, I am afraid that I will never be able to escape.

Tayal

TAYAL IS AN OLD-FASHIONED & MEGA STYLE 2D-PLATFORMER GAME. WE WILL FOLLOW A BOY TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH OF HIS FATHER.

If everyone was shouting like that, we would already have heard about “the truth of his father”. Perhaps it would have been better than following a boy home, that sounds very creepy.

Chimera of Tactics 3-Gun and Soccer

This is a gun and soccer SLG, player need to command team members to grab soccer with gun and shoot at the goal!

Have you ever tried to grab soccer? I heard it’s even harder than to grab rugby.  However, in the rules of this game, you can’t just grab soccer with your hands or feet. You must grab it with your gun. Otherwise, it’s a foul! Once you have managed to hold tight soccer with your gun, you have to shoot in the general direction of the goal. The difficulty is that you must still hold soccer while firing the gun! Any bullet that gets caught by the net scores a point.

SLG is the abbreviation for “strategy game” in China, as in this game you don’t grab soccer yourself: you simply order your teammates to do so, while you peacefully sip coconut juice behind bulletproof glass.

Where’s Baby?

Where’s Baby is an asymmetrical multiplayer game pitting a baby sitter against WHAT IS THAT. WHY IS THAT KID SO FURRY! IS THAT A WEREWOLF? SHOULDN’T THEIR PARENTS HAVE MENTIONED THIS? HE BROKE THE TABLE! HE JUST TOUCHED IT AND IT EXPLODED!

Wow. That escalated quickly. First, we learn that it’s a babysitting game, then that the baby is a werewolf, then that the werewolf can explode things just by touching them. This is one of the stupidest descriptions I have ever seen, but it’s also gloriously awesome. I’m also impressed by the appropriate use of caps lock. I don’t even want to say anything snarky. Dear game, you win. Congratulations!

Why does Soviet Bear launder a brick?
16 votes · 16 answers

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