Pokémon Royale is a Go! Soon, you will be able to murder your friends’ Pokémon

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Countries are discussing a ban on the game as the Battle Royale mode is likely to cause chaos and hate.

Pokémon Go‘s most anticipated update is yet to come. Fans have been clamoring for the ability to duel other people since the beginning, and it is finally about to happen. It won’t be pretty.

Before the upcoming update, Player versus Player (PvP) in Pokémon Go (also called Trainer Battles) was sometimes organized in small groups who would meet in a park and start hitting each other with a mobile phone until someone drops their phone. Then, a competing player was allowed to grab it, thus claiming the losing player’s Pokémon collection. But once the new update will be live, players will be able to use Pokémon to do their dirty work.

Wanton Violence by Lord Phillock

These random acts of violence are not rare in the history of Pokémon Go, as hundreds lost their lives chasing Pokémon in the weeks following its release in 2016. Due to the augmented reality nature of the game, many had their eyes stuck to the screen and took risks in real life without being aware of their environment. You might remember the story of the man who jumped off a cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean to catch a Squirtle, shortly before being devoured by a great white shark only seconds before rescuers jumped to save him. Similarly, a woman hurrying after a Snorlax left her stroller with baby twins in the middle of a busy street, never to find them again. There was also the case of a teen looking for a Pikachu in an electric power plant; the following morning, he was found to have suffered death by electrocution — he had not even managed to catch the Pokémon. And that’s without taking into account the countless accidents while driving, as road accidents and injuries were drastically increased in the vicinity of PokéStop locations and gyms.

It is undeniable that Pokémon Go is a cultural phenomenon, and Nintendo does not care about the impact on real-life accidents as it will most likely also boost the sales of Pokémon Let’s Go Pikachu, Pokémon Ultra Moon, and Pokémon Ultra Sun. That is why the Battle Royale update will be alarmingly dangerous, as a bid to make the media talk about the brand once more.

Pichu happy to go to slaughter

Indeed, Battle Royale tournaments will regularly be held in large city centers (as usual, nothing is planned for the countryside or small cities). A tournament season will last about a week, and players will be allowed to let their Pokémon fight each other. This might be great to push people of widely different ages to interact with each other, and the winner will receive extra rare Pokémon such as Farfetch’d and Mr. Mime. New additions to the roster are also expected very soon. However, the catch is that defeated Pokémon will die and disappear from your collection, dead forever. These tournaments are expected to cause great psychological turmoil, and our sources indicate that the riot police is currently recruiting in preparation for these merciless events. Several countries are currently thinking of outright banning the game to prevent accidents, murders and other acts of chaos in the middle of the largest cities.

The whole The Simulation crew is betting on grandpa Zen as the ultimate winner, as the vigilante has been sighted roaming the streets with up to 11 phones equipped with Pokémon Go. Anyone with the misfortune to defy him is likely to be shredded to pieces by his Pokémon before he viciously passes over them with his custom bicycle built for glorious violence.

Don’t get into a fight with this grandpa…

Are you looking forward to Pokémon Go Royale?
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