His sweat melted gamepads


This story recently came under the spotlight when a kid was caught cheating in a local Super Smash Bros Ultimate tournament.

Redmond, Washington. Ridley Spencer, a kid of 11, was constant trouble for his parents. Whereas individuals with anger management issues sometimes hit their controllers against the walls, Ridley was laying waste to approximatively twenty gamepads per year; and yet, he was always observed with a very calm demeanor, and there were no impact holes in the thin walls of the Spencer residence. All his destroyed gamepads were not smashed either: they were melted into a shapeless goo.

While his parents could have cut their losses and confiscated his gaming consoles, they had a specific reason to grit their teeth and keep buying new controllers: Mrs. Spencer had entered her son in all sorts of beauty pageants and eating contests, with nothing to show for her model parenting. She was falling into despair until she discovered that her kid had a knack for playing video games, and thus she had hoped to see his esports career take off. That is until a cheating case put a definitive halt to the Spencer’s dreams and hopes.

In a local Super Smash Bros Ultimate tournament held at the Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, Washington, Ridley Spencer found himself accused of sabotaging the controllers of every single one of his fellow contenders. Organizers were baffled, as they had thoroughly inspected the kids for contraband before letting them in, including cavity searches. Eventually, Ridley was diagnosed with a rare orphan disease called “Gamepaddus hyperhydrosis”. Turns out that whenever the poor kid was internalizing tremendous stress, his palms were producing a thin paste of ultra-acidic sweat, which was eating through the cheap plastic held in his hands.

Before the tournament had even begun, Ridley grabbed a controller and felt pressure under his mother’s scrutinizing gaze. As he noticed that the gamepad in his hands was defective, he grabbed another one, then another, until there were none.

“Once we realized that all our Nintendo Switch controllers were gone, we opened a box of the surplus Xbox One gamepads in our headquarters, but they were not compatible,” explained Satya Nadal, the organizer. “We proposed a Sea of Thieves race instead, but the players refused. We had to cancel the whole event.”

“Using no external tools is cheating,” he added. “We can’t do anything to detect that sort of concealed carry.”

A local priest volunteered to hold hands with the kids and subject them to “gentle stress” before each tournament, in order to find out whether cheaters were hidden among the flock. As to Ridley Spencer, his mom decided that it was time to compete in beauty pageant again. She also seemed intent on teaching her son that caressing his opponents’ cheeks before an event was good sportsmanship.

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