“Game” journalists will now receive movie versions of the games they review


They only like the “video” part in “video games”.

Sekiro cheat slow mod

When Miyazaki, director of Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, watched the titles of articles talking about his game in the genre media, he was surprised. All major press sites had articles like “Why the game would be better with an easy mode”, “A cheat mod can slow down the game, finally I could make progress.” Miyazaki was understandably disgusted. Following Sekiro 3: No More Shadows, he will leave the game industry and continue his story in the form of children’s cartoons such as My Neighbor Sekiro.

My Neighbor Sekiro From Director Miyazaki

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This is a recurring problem in the industry: how can reviewers so bad at playing games manage to accurately judge products made for a hardcore audience? Remember the Polygon video preview of DOOM, in which the journalist could not aim at Zombies standing perfectly still. And what about this hilarious moment when a VentureBeat journalist struggled with Cuphead’s tutorial… What a legend!

Many journalists refuse to consider that games can target a different audience than themselves, whereas they constantly demand that the whole industry complies with their expectations.

In order to satisfy these self-proclaimed judges of good taste, video game developers will now produce gluten-free gameplay free versions of their games. Basically, a movie. This should greatly help reporters to “finish” the games and talk about them knowingly, since these days they barely get past the tutorial.

Sekiro Shadows Die Twice Gluten free Gameplay free

In order to understand why journalists are so poorly qualified to handle video games, The Simulation launched a massive investigation and contacted several industry professionals.

“I started my career in politics,” says an anonymous journalist from Kotaku. “It was very difficult to get votes when the candidates against me were receiving fortunes from private donors… I did not manage to have an impact. In the world of video games, it’s easier: we mostly face poor people , thus I can finally make my ideas heard with a louder voice than my opponents.”

“Basically, I wanted to become a film critic,” justified an anonymous journalist from Polygon. “But I since I did not know anything about screen ratios and so on, no one called me back after an interview. Then, I tried my luck on a website talking about video games: not only there is also video in the title, but in addition, they did not test my knowledge or my skills, so it all worked out.”

“Personally, I’m more interested in sports,” told us an anonymous journalist from IGN. “I have always wanted to become a football commentator. Except that my voice sounds like a windshield rubbing against pebbles while belching. Not glorious. That’s why I started to comment on football played on consoles; that way, I can just write and nobody throws a crucifix in my face when I ask my next-door neighbor for salt.”

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