Bethesda’s failures and data leaks attributed to “hormones”

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This article tells the full saga in juicy details. Grab some popcorn.

The tragic series of events continues for Bethesda. Due to its numerous bugs and lack of compelling story-telling, Fallout 76 was not well received by fans. Since then, two new scandals surfaced to tarnish the image of the publisher: the bags delivered with the $200 collector’s edition of the game “Power Armor” were of poorer quality than expected, and technical support leaked personal data (including home address) of all its clients.

Howard Zodd, director and executive producer at Bethesda Game Studios, gave us an exclusive interview to explain what triggered this disaster.

Once Fallout 76 was released, the rest of the team moved on to Fallout 77, a mobile Battle Royale game that has not been announced yet. Errrm, until now, actually, since I just revealed it. Well anyway, the only person left working on Fallout 76 was our best element: Lars, our fantastic 17 years old intern that can do just about anything.

Since Lars was working all alone on Fallout 76, on top of fixing the bugs of the game he was also tasked with producing and sending all collector’s editions. He contacted our usual suppliers in Pakistan. When he announced that he wanted to make a collector edition for Fallout 76, they laughed at his face! They found it hilarious that there would be people interested in buying the collector’s edition of a game that amounted to “floppy poop from a goat that has been fed with snake testicles”. They said it so, I’m not inventing it! Lars managed to negotiate that they make the product according to our blueprints, but they did not tell him that they used pooper scooper bags to package the game.

Lars was too busy rewriting the whole code of the game when he sent the collector’s editions by post. He did not verify the quality of the bags, and sent everything as it was… without realizing that he had sent the pooper scooper bags instead of the premium quality bags that were initially planned. He should have paid more attention. On behalf of Bethesda, I must convey our sincere apologies. To punish Lars, he won’t receive his intern salary of $50 per month.

By the way, Lars signed one of the helmets in the collector’s edition. This means that there is one lucky double collector’s edition, that is going to fetch a lot in auctions. Conversely, some pooper scooper bags were not exactly brand new and were delivered with a hefty goat poop inside. We apologize for any inconvenience, and we hope that the 500 atoms (in-game microtransaction points) that we just gave for free will cover all clean-up costs.

To handle user complaints, we sent Lars to our technical support. As I mentioned earlier, he is the only one presently working in the Fallout 76 team, so if you want him to spend more time fixing bugs, please stop complaining to our technical support! Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I am getting sick of seeing the poor lad overworked, especially considering that now Lars will have to send new bags by post. This time, we are working with a factory in China to finally send premium quality bags to our esteemed clients.

The next part is very embarrassing, but I owe you the truth. On Twitter, lots of people have been complaining since the game was released. Among them, a 16 years old girl, Melanie, whose profile picture caught the eye of Lars. Need I remind you, he is 17 years old, and at that age hormonal pressure can become overwhelming. Suddenly, he felt the imperious need to meet up with Melanie. In order to make this happen, all he had to do was take a look in Bethesda’s technical support database and find her home address!

art by Alex Griendling

Except that technical support only allows one of our employees to see someone’s home address when there is a pending order, or if a ticket was opened. But since Lars is very skilled, he managed to find a way to break the protection and access to the whole database. Problem is, this trick did not only work for Lars’ account. It worked for every other user as well, and so everyone could see each other’s private details! In a simultaneously hilarious and terrifying moment, Bethesda’s technical support became a Discord server in which all users could communicate, and fix each other’s issues. We had never seen support tickets closed so quickly! Crowd-support is the future, we need to patent this as soon as possible.

All of this brings us to where we are now. There is a slight issue, this data leak is not very legal. I will also remind you that we have only one person working on Fallout 76, so we are going to give Lars a one-week training in law so that he can deal with the aftermath. That’s why at the moment he is not able to go and see Melanie! We ask of you, please stop bothering Bethesda with all your petty issues, all that you are achieving is postponing the fateful moment when our two lovebirds will finally meet!

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