Anthem: an unbiased review
Anthem will only be released on February 22, but we defy the embargo on the dates to post this review, guaranteed with no corruption and no bias: a perfectly objective and impartial review.
I am Iron Woman.
Development studio BioWare is famous for its legendary RPGs such as Baldur’s Gate, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Dragon Age or Mass Effect. They are also known for their talent on Dragon Age and Mass Effect’s sequels as they used a rigorous and revolutionary development pipeline: throwing the game’s box in the toilets, more specifically those on the floor where the executives of the editor Electronic Arts (EA) dwell. Then they allowed it to macerate for a few weeks before breaking the pipes made of solid gold, they found the plug that was stuck there for a while and voilà! A repulsive sequel to throw on the fans, there will be millions pecking at it with glee.
You might be surprised, but it’s fairly accurate; EA’s marketing department conducted a thorough survey, determining that a huge part of the audience was scatophiliac, and thus they should make games that would please that audience. (I promise that we are soon going back to Anthem.) Turns out that the destiny of fecal matter is to form a network, connected in an area called sewers, and super heroic poops launch expeditions to dislodge mean rats. It’s a way to spend time, whereas the alternative would be to slowly sink and disintegrate. Therefore, these big worlds constantly flowing and teeming are very popular these days, even more with friends. In short, Anthem is something like that: big canals in which you can paddle, but with flight! —fewer chances to get splashed. If you fly too high, you touch the ceiling of the sewers and you drop down.
The story of the game revolves around the idea that the sewers were not completely finished by the workers. Several factions of human waste plan to get their hands on the construction vehicle to finish the job, in their own way. As a free poop, I was sent to do the dirty work for the different factions. It consisted in hitting rodents here and there. Good old bullet sponges, with lots of nice explosions of light and other particle effects to hide the fact that the weapons lack real impact. Repeating the process over and over again, what a bore! Oh well, it’s perfectly calibrated to spend time doing nothing with friends while taking seriously our character as it gains in power, representing our unproductive investment into nothingness. Of course, to show that we are proud to waste our time, we can also waste our money in acquiring all kinds of boosted weapons, powers and cosmetics.
As to me, I didn’t agree. The slimy humans were not in their own home here, I didn’t want to help them dislodge the natural sewer dwellers. I turned my arms against the disgusting invader, in vain, my weapons were powerless against my own kind. I tried to reach their ears with my words, in vain, this was not an old-school RPG with dialogs and interesting choices. No, it was only some sort of MMO with Iron Man suits.
So, I retreated into my suit to sulk, and wow was that comfortable. The inside is layered with Space Smorf butt leather, it feels like being inside mommy’s belly. However, when I tried to get out to breathe a minute before getting back in, I realized that the inverted cutscene was not yet possible! I felt claustrophobic, had a panic attack, and uninstalled the game.
Disclaimer: In order to keep an unbiased opinion, our journalists are not authorized to play the games they review. Likewise, a perfectly objective grade is obtained by rolling one six-sided dice.